page3

HUMOUR

Get Ready for the Long Trip!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him
in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute
to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."

There's a bit more to these than just humour!

"Religious Bumper Stickers!"

Be fishers of men. You catch them and He will clean them.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is awake.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't put a period where God put a comma.

Don't wait for your pall bearers to take you to church.

Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

Give God what's right, not what's left!

Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.

God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

God doesn't want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest!

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"!

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!

He who angers you, controls you!

He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!

If God is your co-pilot -swap seats!

In the sentence of life, the Devil may be a comma
but DO NOT let him be the PERIOD!

Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!

Most people want to serve God but only in an advisory capacity.

Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!

Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

"Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere.

Prayer - Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

Read The Bible... It Will Scare The Hell Out Of You!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

This Church is "Prayer Conditioned"!

To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

We set the sail; God makes the wind.

We're too blessed to be depressed.

When God ordains, He sustains.

Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.

Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed.

You can tell how big people are by what it takes to discourage them.

(Author unknown)

Answers Written by Children

If you know the Bible - even a little - you'll find this hilarious!
It's from a Catholic elementary school.
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
The following statements about the Bible have not been retouched or
corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis,
God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray
by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is
when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
he fought with the Finklesteins,
a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,
they found Jesus in the manager.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Unknown. Found circulating in email.

"Facing the Storms!"

A little boy walked to and from school daily.
On one particular morning, the weather was questionable
as clouds were forming and the sky was gray
but the little boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed,
the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll.
The little boy's mother was concerned that her son would be frightened
as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following a roar of thunder,
lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword!
Worried, the mother got into her car
and drove along the route to her child's school.
On finding her son,
she noticed her little boy was walking along just fine,
but at each flash of lightning,
the child would stop, look up and smile.
More lightning followed and with each one
the little boy would look at the flash of light and smile.
The mother approached him in her car,
lowered the window and asked him,
"What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture!"

May God bless you as you face the storms that come your way.

Author unknown - found circulating the Web via email.

Dirty Bird

A pastor owns a parrot that swears like a sailor.
He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a Christian and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets out of control.
The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells,
"Quit it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "Now you're going to pay."
He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At this point, the pastor becomes so irate
that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet.
At first, the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the pastor's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you.
I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded.
He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Finally, the parrot turns his head towards the freezer and asks,
"By the way, what did that chicken do?"

New Zealand vs. Australia

An Australian decided to write a book about famous churches
around the world.

For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches.
He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Perth,
thinking that he would work his way across the country from West to East.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that said, "$10,000 per call."

The Australian, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The Australian thanked the priest and went on his way.

Next stop was in Adelaide. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Perth
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that
for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Australian.

He then travelled to Melbourne, Canberra, Sydney and Brisbane.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call"
sign under it.

After all this, the Australian thought about New Zealand and
decided to fly across the Tasman to see if Kiwis had the same phone.

He arrived in Auckland, and there in a church, was the same golden telephone but
this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."

The Australian was surprised so he asked the pastor about the sign.
"Brother, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden
telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven
but in every Australian state the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"

The pastor smiled and answered, "You're in New Zealand now, mate -
it's a local call."

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN!?!

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

"Making Church Policy"

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.

Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
But as soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result.
All the apes are sprayed with cold water.

After a while, turn off the cold water.

If later, another ape tries to climb the stairs,
the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.
To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.
After another attempt and attack,
he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes
and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.
The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat the new ape
have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs,
or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes,
all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not ??

"Because that's the way it's always been around here!"

And ... that's how church policy begins!

"Points of Grace"

A man dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done,
and I give you a certain number of points for each item,
depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and
never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says, slightly concerned.
"Well, I attended church all my life and
supported its ministry with my tithing and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!" he moans, now really getting worried.
"Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and
worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points!" the man cries.
"At this rate the only way I get into Heaven is by the grace of God!"

St. Peter nods and says, "Right on! 100 points! Come on in, my son!"

Selected from Mikey's Funnies.

"Cat Story"

This apparently is a a true story about the pastor of a church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. but the kitten would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided
that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down,
he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently,
then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went D-A-W-N-G and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,"
and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members.
He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat,
but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mum finally told her little girl,
"Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard,
get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread,
and landed right in front of her."

* * * * *

"Total Commitment"

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place.
Getting caught up in the spirit of the occasion,
the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution.
For me, it's a total commitment!"

* * * * *